Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
