It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.