I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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