Taylor Swift is so right about you.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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