i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
