I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
