He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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