Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
