I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
