The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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