I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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