yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
