We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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