Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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