note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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