How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
