This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
