one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
two words: eviction party
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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