dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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