It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
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Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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