Sponge bath it is.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
