Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
