tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
