how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
