I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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