Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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