We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
