woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
