Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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