im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
