genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What a dumb baby whore.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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