Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
