I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
