I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
