You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
