If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
