sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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