I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
