I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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