Texts From Last Night

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  (248): View more from Michigan

  are you still at the devil's house?

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  (248): are you still at the devil's house? http://tfl.nu/bw8z
  Replies (4) Good night (1634) Bad night (2058)
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.

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  (504): You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil. http://tfl.nu/478n
  Replies (28) Good night (801) Bad night (6285)
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?

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  (506): No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude? http://tfl.nu/wnbm
  Replies (90) Good night (1523) Bad night (7592)
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  (631): View more from New York

  we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,

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  (631): we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars, http://tfl.nu/j4u2
  Replies (14) Good night (5198) Bad night (907)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.

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  (505): He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself. http://tfl.nu/msa0
  Replies (11) Good night (5441) Bad night (1157)
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.

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  (316): My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch. http://tfl.nu/qemq
  Replies (15) Good night (1352) Bad night (4400)
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  (650): View more from California

  so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

  (1-650): View more from California

  did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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  (650): so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet. (1-650): did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one? http://tfl.nu/1hzw
  Replies (24) Good night (8374) Bad night (1161)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  she fell through a window trying to flash someone

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  (708): she fell through a window trying to flash someone http://tfl.nu/c9dp
  Replies (12) Good night (4583) Bad night (1749)
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  (323): View more from California

  What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?

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  (323): What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'? http://tfl.nu/kmm3
  Replies (10) Good night (2450) Bad night (737)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me

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  (903): So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me http://tfl.nu/8jt8
  Replies (7) Good night (1275) Bad night (600)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.

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  (724): I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport. http://tfl.nu/pho6
  Replies (12) Good night (946) Bad night (1656)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.

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  (218): Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off. http://tfl.nu/vd2r
  Replies (7) Good night (1238) Bad night (689)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.

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  (573): It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children. http://tfl.nu/cjdr
  Replies (2) Good night (934) Bad night (503)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?

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  (302): I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka? http://tfl.nu/42g5
  Replies (3) Good night (708) Bad night (356)
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.

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  (616): Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast. http://tfl.nu/ms8p
  Replies (0) Good night (368) Bad night (118)

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