ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...