I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
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how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
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She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity