he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that