weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm