Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(661): View more from California

What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife

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(661): What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife http://tfl.nu/wigu

Replies (16) Good night (1937) Bad night (625)
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(708): View more from Illinois

i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.

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(708): i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection. http://tfl.nu/ljiq

Replies (13) Good night (3790) Bad night (788)
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(561): View more from Florida

i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed

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(561): i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed http://tfl.nu/x39u

Replies (63) Good night (1040) Bad night (11130)
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(715): I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win. http://tfl.nu/jyaa

Replies (64) Good night (17420) Bad night (1692)
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(914): View more from New York

I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.

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(914): I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day. http://tfl.nu/x5t9

Replies (20) Good night (3631) Bad night (688)
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(404): View more from Georgia

where are you?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

sonic

(404): View more from Georgia

Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.

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(404): where are you? (1-404): sonic (404): Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs. http://tfl.nu/pjgu

Replies (25) Good night (5237) Bad night (687)
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(336): View more from North Carolina

They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.

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(336): They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up. http://tfl.nu/5b65

Replies (5) Good night (4221) Bad night (778)
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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(919): She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me! http://tfl.nu/g61u

Replies (16) Good night (10777) Bad night (1030)
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night

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(724): I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night http://tfl.nu/leh0

Replies (6) Good night (4784) Bad night (869)
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(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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(207): She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? " http://tfl.nu/wyfp

Replies (10) Good night (5657) Bad night (1182)
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(806): View more from Texas

Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.

(1-806): View more from Texas

Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.

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(806): Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk. (1-806): Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess. http://tfl.nu/c175

Replies (15) Good night (2602) Bad night (1206)
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(816): View more from Missouri

We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.

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(816): We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it. http://tfl.nu/u2s4

Replies (3) Good night (1287) Bad night (525)
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(512): View more from Texas

I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.

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(512): I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you. http://tfl.nu/8f7o

Replies (4) Good night (682) Bad night (1106)
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(330): View more from Ohio

I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.

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(330): I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes. http://tfl.nu/tcgc

Replies (1) Good night (342) Bad night (703)
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.

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(570): Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep. http://tfl.nu/bc4p

Replies (1) Good night (897) Bad night (319)

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