U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
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Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
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I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.