Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
