'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
