I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
