just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
