just come out here and I will go home with you...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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