I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
