sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
