Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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