why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
