Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
