I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
