It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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