just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
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