I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
