grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
