her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
