Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
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We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
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Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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